Comments (3)

By J.Ho, December 3, 2009 4:43 pm

Last night Rachael Ray was texting me all upset still over Martha Stewart slamming her in a Nightline interview a week or so ago. I exported the text from my iPhone using a non-Apple approved app. Check it …

—————————————-

RaRay: hi JamieCakes!!!

J.Ho: hi SugarBum, wasup?

RaRay: I can’t believe this shit!!!

J.Ho: ???

RaRay: Did you see what that tw@ Martha Stewart said about me on Nightline?

J.Ho: Like I watch Nightline!?!?!

RaRay: Yeah, anyway, she went off on me saying how I admitted to her once that I don’t know how to bake. Is that news to anyone? Haaaarow?!?!?

J.Ho: LOL!! I know only a few things as fact. It will get dark tonight. Monday comes after Sunday. and you can’t bake! I’m not much or a baker either. Who actually bakes anyways?

RaRay: That’s not all … she said my new cookbook is just a compilation of old, re-editied recipes.

J.Ho: Get the fuck outta here

RaRay: Seriously

J.Ho: Ummm, aren’t all recipes pretty much re-edits of older recipes?

RaRay: TOTALLY!!! There hasn’t been an original cookbook published since like the 20s

J.Ho: The Giada De Laurentiis cookbook “Everyday Italian” was pretty original

RaRay: FUCK YOU!

J.Ho: …..

RaRay: I’m all wound up and you’re makin fuckin jokes

J.Ho: Sorry, you still love me though

RaRay: Anyway, then she goes on saying how she writes books that are lasting, unique things that everyone would want in their library. BULLSHIT!

J.Ho: I was just at Costco and saw a book of hers on the discount table titled, “Martha Stewart’s Homekeeping Handbook: The Essential Guide to Caring for Everything in Your Home” … yeah, everything but your husband and daughter!!!

RaRay: Yeah, total family woman. Her ex-husband hopes she starts bleeding out of her eyes and he daughter wouldn’t have anything to do with her until she bought her a nice little private jet

J.Ho: d-bag!

RaRay: And she says I’m just an entertainer, not a “teacher” like her. Ummm, and her point is?

J.Ho: Where has she been?

RaRay: LOCK UP!!! THAT’S WHERE!!!

J.Ho: LOL, what makes her think you’re an entertainer? Was it your 52 TV shows? Or your Daytime Emmys?

RaRay: God I swear every time that old goat opens her mouth a cloud of dust puffs out.

J.Ho: Don’t worry about it. She’s just jealous. Total jelly! She needs some peanut butter cause she’s so jelly!

RaRay:

J.Ho: Look, she has no personal life, her own family hates her, she’s been in lock down, her company’s valuation is in the toilet and she has no idea how to relate to the public. She made a career on telling women how to be wonderful little homemakers. That shit doesn’t fly nowadays.

RaRay: No shit!

J.Ho: And if she’s gonna try to get noticed again, the only thing she can do is to talk shit and compare herself to the ruler of the universe, which is you, BubbleButt! It won’t work.

RaRay: You’re totally right. I just responded by saying, “Yeah, you cook better than me, Martha. C-ya!”

J.Ho: Smooth

RaRay: What are you doing tonight?

J.Ho: Daaaaahts!

RaRay: Where are you playing?

J.Ho: Lucky Dog, probably

RaRay: Sweet, I gotta run. I have nine more books I have to finish writing by tomorrow afternoon. Copy/Paste, Copy/Paste!!!! Oh, I saw Taylor Swift the other day. She couldn’t stop raving about the mix CD you made for her.

J.Ho: I put a lot of thought into that CD. Especially the order of the playlist.

RaRay: Does she know about us?

J.Ho: Clueless!

RaRay: Sweet! … bye!

J.Ho: Peace

RaRay: Hug hug, kiss kiss, hug hug, big kiss, little hug, kiss kiss, little kiss

J.Ho: Ok, Nacho!

RaRay: Yankees suck!

J.Ho: God, I love you!

RaRay:

Comments (1)

By J.Ho, March 18, 2008 4:50 pm

No, like for real. I was surfing through my DirecTV channel guide, as I usually do on Sunday mornings, looking for random stuff to TiVo. I see a new show on the Food Network. Then I’m all like, are they friggin’ kidding? Are they for real? I can’t believe I saw a show titled, Rachael Ray Feeds Your Pets. Yeah, I was shocked too. But not really shocked. I mean, we should have seen this coming.

I amazed myself when I actually queued this show in to be TiVo’d. I was further amazed when I actually watched the damn thing. To my own credit, I didn’t watch all of it. But most of it. Some say this is another brilliant display of Rachael’s expansive talents and the Food Network’s programming prowess. Apocalypse now is what I say. I think I hear the red horseman galloping this way!

Rachael lovingly prepares three homemade recipes for her pit bull, Isaboo, who “gobbles them right up!” No shit, Ray-Ray? A dog gobbling up “people food?” Who knew? My ex-beagle used to “gobble up” my dirty underwear. Rachael should do a follow up show where she makes a doggie soup stock from boiling down my dirty underwear, socks, some old tissue paper and anything else we can find in my hamper or garbage can. Dogs love that shit! My beagle actually loved, and I mean LOVED eating used paper towels and snot soaked Kleenex tissues. She even ate whole wooden school ruler once. Seriously. Five minutes later she puked up the wood shards and tried to eat them again. Hey, she’s a dog. That’s what dogs do. They will eat absolutely anything.

Over the years several culinary institutions, including my own Massachusetts-based culinary media lab, have questioned whether Rachael Ray’s recipes have been fit for human consumption. As I have always suspected, her recipes aren’t fit for the animal kingdom either. Rachael made some kind of meatball stew-like thing with ditalini pasta for Isaboo. Rachael called them “mini muttballs” though. How cute. Her recipe calls for onions and garlic cause Isaboo loves the added flavor. Check this out … onions and garlic are generally toxic to dogs and cats. Really. Click here.

She also spends time with some totally hip pet nutritionist. Everyone else calls it a vet. This crap is getting out of hand. I love dogs, but it would be a cold day in hell before I start rolling out meatballs for Boochie. He’d have to learn to vacuum the place and set the table before he ever got that treatment. How cool would it have been if she made some gourmet braised veal osso bucco to feed your goldfish. Cause it would make them soooo happy! I think I’m on to something. I should be one of her writers.

Yankees suck!

Comments (0)

By J.Ho, October 27, 2007 1:57 pm

I’m finally coming to the realization the Everyday Italian show on the Food Network really appeals to the masses. Seriously. Why? It features easy to prepare Italian dishes which are light and delicious. The host Giada De Laurentiis is a skilled chef with extensive formal culinary training and impressive resume. Oh yeah, and she’s way, way, way waaaay pretty. She reminds me of Natalie Portman, but with boobs.

I’ve gone back and forth being a fan of this show. Giada used to annoy the hell out of me. I never liked they way she pronounces Italian words. Not that I’m being a prick and saying she shouldn’t conform to her family culture, but when you’re talking to someone in plain English, then bust out with a word using a profound Italian accent, it just seems fake. Like all the movie celebrities who talk about the Cannes Film Festival. They pronounce Cannes the proper French way, like saying Can. OK, I get it, that’s proper. But these same phonies pronounce Paris the way it’s spelled in English, you know, Paris. Why don’t they pronounce it the proper French way, ‘Pahree’ with a guttural French ‘r’ and a silent final -s. You get the point.

Anyway, I’m really starting to appreciate this show much more than I have in the past. Today I watched the episode Island Hopping on my TiVo. Giada made two dishes that looked wicked, wicked good. I can’t believe I’m typing this instead of running to the store to grab the goods needed to whip this stuff up. Maybe I’ll do it today. Maybe not. I need to clean my place up. It’s a wreck. I need to get ready top go out tonight. I might be dressing up early for Halloween. And Ace Combat 6 for my Xbox 360 was just delivered by Amazon last night. That might keep me busy for a while.

The two recipes that caught my eye were the fresh Ravioli Caprese and a fresh mushroom, celery and pecorino salad. They looked soooo good and soooo easy. I make my own fresh pasta noodles from scratch all the time. It’s so delish. You can’t beat it, but it can be such a pain in the ass. The way she made the pasta from scratch looked pretty easy. I need to go out and get a ravioli cookie cutter thingy so I can do it right though.

Take a look at this episode and these recipes. Try them. I know I will. By the way, the top she was wearing looked freakin AMAZING on her. Oooooooh-yeeaaaaah! Yankees suck!

Comments (0)

By J.Ho, October 26, 2007 3:03 pm

I guess my comments about her show coupled with Rachael’s rant didn’t sit well with Ingrid. I picked up this e-mail from her yesterday afternoon. I’m always caught up in some bullshit drama between chicks. What a world I live in.

From: Hoffman, Ingrid
Sent: Thursday, October 25, 2007 12:22 PM
To: J.Ho
Subject: Who does Ra-Ray think she is?

¡Ai Papi! What the hell is Rachael Ray’s problem? What did I do to her to be talked about so disrespectfully? Maybe we should call her Racial Ray! I’m barely scratching the surface in this industry and she’s going around slamming me to Food Network execs, producers, staff, fans and other chefs. She’s just jealous of my Latin charm and zest for life. All I have to say to her is “Su Madre!”

What hurts even more is you saying my show sucks. Where is your show, mijo! You have no idea how difficult this is. I took my outstanding, passionate, colorful ideas to the Food Network and they ripped them to shreds and made me do things I would never do. They made me make a virgin watermelon spritzer! Can you believe that? Like I’d actually make something that stupid. But hey, it’s their network. And it’s not Rachael Ray’s!

Everyone out there in the American audience wishes they had half the Latin spice and charm I do. You know it. I know it. Ra-Ray knows it. She’s a miserable woman. I saw her last week at a Food Network media event. I swear to God I saw her sitting next to a jug of cheap wine the whole night. That puta went through six gallons of wine and about a metric ton of cannoli filling. And she wonders why she has such a big culo!

I have to run, mijo. My idiota production assistant just bleached half of my flowered shirts and I need my highlights redone and my chi-chis buffed. Next time Racial calls you tell her I said, “Coma mierda!”

-Ing

P.S. – Yankees Suck!

Comments (0)

By J.Ho, October 24, 2007 10:48 am

The Food Network can’t get enough of this guy. And neither should you. Episode five of the first season of “Throwdown with Bobby Flay” is being aired yet again. Bobby Flay goes aboard MCB Twentynine Palms for a steak grilling showdown. When you step onto a marine’s home turf, in blistering 112° southern California desert heat, do you actually expect to walk away victorious? This episode is one of the highest, if not the highest, rated rerun of any and all shows on the Food Network. Check out the information specific to this episode here.

Eric Dominijanni (aka Capt. D) is also a friend of mine. I call him Disco Kidd. He rides a Harley, is a skilled chef, a marine officer and a mad salsa dancer. Who better for me to have as a wingman? Last spring a friend and I attended a cook-out at Eric’s house in North Carolina not too far from his home base MCB Camp Lejeune. It was a great time. Lots of food, beer, music, marines and of course, pretty ladies.

At that cook-out I was proud to receive orders to serve as his short term sous-chef. I steamed and chucked clams for the linguine, he grilled up steak and prepared several styles of pizza. The pesto pizza was my favorite.

Disco Kidd also appeared in Weber’s Command of the Grill USMC steak grilling competition. He was also featured in the follow up cookbook. OO-RAH on that! Grab a copy of that cookbook for yourself by clicking here. Check him out on the Food Network! The only problem with him is he’s a Yankee fan. So, Disco Kidd, Yankees suck!

Comments (2)

By J.Ho, October 21, 2007 8:52 pm

And she was all like, “It’s about time you updated your site, J.Hizzo. And wrote about something other than that lame ass Blue Smoke. And wrote about how sucky that rotten Ingrid Hoffman really is. She’s horrible. Thank Jah her ratings are in the basement. Can you believe some people are referring to her as Rachael Ray with different seasonings? Are you friggin kidding me? My right earlobe has more clout in this business than she does. Does she have four shows on the Food Network? Does she have her own daytime talk show produced with Oprah? Does she have her own magazine? Does she have her own line of cookware and knives and shit? Does she have gobs of product endorsement deals? Does she have a library’s worth of best-selling cookbooks? You can answer all of these questions with NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!”

I can’t even get a word in. Rachael keeps on spewing, “Yeah, she’s me with different seasonings. You know what seasonings she could use to be on my level? Dash of paprika, pinch of cumin and a billion dollars worth of revenue from all sorts of industries. I’ve made more multi-millionaires out of more Food Network executive bums than you could dream of, dude. The only reason that skanky mariachi puta has a show is because of the industry I built. I built this thing. Who put this thing together, huh? You know who owns this world? ME! ME! That’s who! ME!”

“Dude, the other day my agent forced me to watch one of her retarded episodes. I felt as if I was getting dumber by the second watching her shake her head around and talk to her bottle of oil. Yeah, she actually talks to her bottle of oil. She talks to it like she’s seen the image of the Virgin of Guadalupe backstroking around in there. What’s worse than that is she’s using Mexican jumping bean oil or something. EVOO is the standard I’ve set!”

“Oh, and the culinary television critic tards give me grief for not being a formally trained chef or for taking cooking seriously. Yeah, that’s the point you friggin wangs. I wasn’t formally trained. And I don’t take cooking serious. And my recipes suck. But I still own the entire friggin universe. How ya like me now?!? This Ingrid bitch probably never refried a bean in her life before she took on this show. I read that she owned some dress boutique/oil change shop in east LA or something. And she’s always saying ‘DONE!’ after she finishes making something stupid in the kitchen. You know what’s DONE? Her freakin lame excuse for a TV career. Sayonuchi, as they say in Panama!”

I finally get to cut in and tell Rachael it’s no big deal and this show will be a distant memory not too long for now. And I’m all like Rache, slow you’re roll. Don’t let that lame ass show steal your joy. You own the world and stuff. You so cute and have an incredibly beautiful butt. What more do you need? Yeah I know your husband cheated on you, but he’s a numb nut and a midget. So I tell her I have to run and my cel battery is dying.

I’ll cheer her up by sending her some more recipes she can dumb down for the mass audience that knows nothing of good taste. Yankees suck!

Comments (0)

By J.Ho, October 15, 2007 10:48 pm

Hey, another bright, colorful, fun, cooking show on the Food Network with a pretty hostess that knows nothing about food! What could go wrong? Is it me or is the Food Network really beginning to suck? I understand as well as anyone the value of being an entertainer more than a chef on these shows, but this is getting a bit ridiculous.

I wrote about Ingrid Hoffman and her proposed new show Simply Delicioso a while back when I heard about it’s introduction. Read it again here. Now I hadn’t seen her before and the show was several months away from its broadcast debut. As usual I was taken back by her good looks, slammin’ Latina figure and blonde highlights. Foiled again! The Food Network threw in some eye candy to hide the fact there is nothing else about show worth watching.

I asked my beloved TiVo to record every episode. TiVo asked me if I was sure since I already scheduled him to record other shows that overlapped this show. I told him I was positive and he was like, “Aaaallllriiiiight, don’t come bitching at me when this show sucks.”

TiVo had it right. This show sucks. This show is beat. I mean like wicked beat! I wasn’t even sold on her prettiness for very long. Which is odd. Believe me.

My first problem was with the production set. Lots of colors. Trying to look too Latin. Or what they think the American audience believes should be Latin-looking. I mean, look at the pic on the left. Green limes, yellow lemons, red pot or something, orange bowl, fuschia shirt, olive green walls. Well, I like the shirt. Two giant thumbs up! The place looks like the house in the movie “Fools Rush In” after Salma Hayek was done decorating it. It also looks a lot like every scene in “Ugly Betty,” which Salma guest starred in and also produces by the way. I actually like that show. It’s all latin-like and colorful, especially Betty’s house, but it’s done in a style that’s meant to be comical. It’s all joke-like. The problem with Simply Delicioso is they are actually trying to be seriously real. Seriously beat!

I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been a cynical prick lately. Maybe it’s because I’ve been living in Massachusetts too long. Being on the north shore doesn’t help either. It seems everyone up here is angry for one reason or another. Anyway, not only is the set trying to look too Latin, she’s trying to act too Latin. She was “not Hispanic enough” when she auditioned for Latin soap opera television roles in the US similar to the ones in which she starred in her home country of Columbia. I guess her experiences are not without a sense of irony. I can read people like you have no idea. I can tell she’s is being fake and over-acting. Is this a show about Latin food and culture or Miami food and culture? There are differences. Big ones.

This show is fake and rarely features anything I would actually want to cook. The Food Network goons are trying to blend Charo with Barefoot Contessa. I’ve been attracted to Charo since I could walk. Ina Garten, not so much. The recipes seem to focus on how join ingredients in an unconventional (silly) manner, like mango-peanut dressing. Come on.

Yeah, I get it, the Food Network is basically trying to put on shows that are more about entertainment than food or real living. It is what it is, as they say in Havana. Or more like watching Nancy Grace and expecting to learn something about law. Sure Nancy is a licensed attorney, but she’s a freakin’ goof.

Get this, on the show’s main page (see it here), they give out Ingrid’s “Ingrid’s Sizzling Tips.” Seriously. Tips. What could these nuggets of knowledge be? Tips on using guava chips and pepper jelly. Woo-hoo! Just what the culinary world needed. Next was something that really caught my eye:

• Sit, Then Slice
  Whenever you cook any piece of meat, let it rest a bit before you cut it. If you slice into it straight off the grill, all the yummy juices will run out instead of staying where they belong – in the meat! For a thin cut, like skirt steak, a few minutes is fine. For a big chuck roast or tri-tip, 20 minutes under a little foil tent will do the trick.

Wow, did you come up with this one all by yourself, mija? These people really think we are all a bunch of tards. What’s good to watch these days?

Now don’t get me wrong, this show sucks, but Ingrid is one absolutely gorgeous little mamacita. Seriously. She’s wicked mint! Beautiful face, killer smile, insane body and great, great hair. Hair is a big deal with me. I love her accent. Women with accents drive me wild. Especially Latin accents. The only problem is my affinity for the accent is usually what’s first to go when I start to hate a woman. So, its appeal will eventually wear off.

Simply Delicioso? Simply Estupido! Yankees suck!