So I work for IBM now
Comments (2) Seriously. I’m an IBMer now. Yeah, IBM, you know, the masters of innovation. IBM just announced it’s bid to acquire my company, Cognos, for nearly $5 billion. See IBM’s press release here and our press release here. I’ve been selling against IBM for nearly my entire professional life. Hell, a two-time previous employer of mine is Apple. So this should be an interesting adventure. GO BLUE!!! And I don’t mean Michigan.
This morning my Blackberry was blowing up from e-mails regarding IBM’s tender offer for Cognos and multiple phone calls from colleagues, business partners, customers and prospects. I attended to the concerns and then logged on to a conference call with Cognos executives discussing the terms of the acquisition. The executive representing IBM was Ambuj Goyal. On the call they pronounced his name as “Ambush.” I was like are they serious? I can only imagine that introduction: “Hi, I’m from IBM and I’m here to acquire you. Oh yeah, and my name is Ambush!” I was surprised to learn this acquisition is the largest ever undertaken by IBM.
Get this, I’ll have to go back to using IBM’s Lotus Notes software for internal e-mail and collaboration. Which sucks. I’ve been using Microsoft Exchange/Outlook for so long I finally got used to it. I got used to Microsoft’s complexities, inefficiencies and overall suckiness. Now I have a whole new suckiness to get used too. Hopefully it won’t take me ten years like it did with Microsoft. I think I might no longer have a completely company funded Blackberry mobile phone too. That sucks more. Oh well.
I can’t freakin’ believe I’m now (or will be once the acquisition is complete) working for Big Blue. I’ve fought the good fight vigorously against IBM for who knows how long. Now I’m one of them. One of the flying monkeys. So many friends have already e-mailed me asking how thick the irony is getting. One friend sent me a message saying he can’t believe I now work for “big brother.” I responded saying I’ve always worked for big brother. I AM BIG BROTHER! Before I was an undercover mole mingling with all the under-people. Then reporting back to headquarters about your technology knowledge, wants, desires and what you like to do when you get drunk at bars. My spy work is complete and now I’m heading back to my righteous seat aboard the mother ship. For real, yo!
Anyway, there’s an axiom which has helped make corporate computing extremely boring for many years: “Nobody ever got fired for buying IBM.” After IBM’s hardware business began to wane the claim has been applied to software of all kinds like Microsoft and Oracle. In my world of selling enterprise-class software for business intelligence reporting and analytics (I know, sounds boring), I will now finally be able to see if that sales pitch works. Never underestimate the power of instilling fear.
It still doesn’t feel natural for me to be working for a former archenemy. I would feel weirder if I went to work for EMC though. When I worked for Network Appliance, destroying EMC was my mission in life. However, like most people with a functioning brain, if the IBM paychecks clear, I’ll get over it pretty quick! All kidding aside, IBM is a great company to have on my resume and I’m very excited about the opportunities that lay before me. I’ve worked for some of the best companies in the industry. It looks like I’ll continue this trend. I can’t wait to get my IBM business card and IBM.com e-mail address! Let the Blue-washing begin! Yankees suck!
