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By J.Ho, December 3, 2007 7:25 pm

There is more info regarding this posting — see it here after you read this.

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First off, I’m with my lady friend and she’s evaluating some software for a project she’s working on for her company. She is seriously the biggest computer nerd that’s ever walked the earth. But she’s damn cute and one hell of a saleslady. Anyway, she’s making me use one of her project’s shitty laptops. How shitty can a laptop be you ask? It’s a Fujitsu-Siemens laptop with a French keyboard layout running Ubuntu Linux. That’s how shitty. What’s even weirder is I’m allowing her to make me use this thing. But seriously, what am I going to say. I’m weak to her species.

She doesn’t actually like Ubuntu software or the silly Japanese-Eurotrash hardware it’s wrapped in. She says Ubuntu Linux smells like ass and she’s actually going to prove it to a big group of other nerds who make decisions regarding multi-multi-multi-million dollar defense related technical solutions. She’s a former Sun chick and she feels Solaris could have saved the world if Sun wasn’t so freaking stupid. If she doesn’t like that hardware/software setup then why torture me? The reason is obvious: she probably enjoys it.

Anyhoo, this idea for a post just hit me. There are some great restaurants in Beverly, MA, the town just south of where I live. Beverly has a great bar, music and social scene too. Not that I’m a miserable, cynical prick or anything, but for some reason the worst of the worst appetizers in Beverly restaurants are stuck in my head. Just to show I’m a kind hearted guy and I’m not all about being negative as I have been against the Indigo Bar & Grill, I’ll also add info about a good appetizer at the restaurants. Deal? Good. Here we go…

Nothing can kill a dining experience faster than a lousy appetizer. Receiving a poor greeting when you arrive at a restaurant and bad service rank right up there too. But when an appetizer sucks, it will ruin a meal. No matter how good the next courses are. These are the top five appetizers in Beverly restaurants that must be removed from the earth as fast as freakin’ possible. The very thought of ever experiencing these apps again make my blood boil.

#5 – Cheese and Fruit – Brenden Crocker’s Wild Horse Cafe

• Three cheeses, grapes, apples, guava paste, toasted almonds, honey and crackers – $13.00

I swear to Jah. Cheese and fruit for $13. In Beverly. It’s not that cheese and fruit are bad or shouldn’t be on a appetizer menu, but come on peeps. $13? In Beverly? The last time I paid close to that for a cheese and fruit tray was at The View Lounge on the 39th floor of the Marriott in downtown San Francisco. I didn’t mind it then since we were getting more than just the food. This place has a freakin’ spectacular 360° view of San Francisco! Robin Williams was drunk off his ass and doing one-acts at the bar. And I think Keith Sweat was crooning with the house jazz band. The ambiance was worth the overpriced food and cocktails. All the ambiance you’ll get at the Wild Horse Cafe is seeing the snobby people you’d usually run into at SOMA.

One good appetizer at the Wild Horse Cafe is the huge plate of nachos, but with house-made potato chips instead of Doritos or something. Smothered in melted cheese, bacon, scallions and sour cream. I didn’t see it on the online menu, but I always get it. Believe it or not, nachos are an easy thing to screw up and the Wild Horse does them perfectly. The first time I had them the girl I was with asked for the bacon be placed on the side. She didn’t eat bacon. When I heard that all I could imagine in my head was a big red X over her face and a buzzing sound like on the Family Feud.

#4 – Crab Cakes – SOMA

SOMA was actually the first bar I went to when I moved out here from California. I had a mediocre overpriced martini and absolutely offensive crab cakes. They sucked. Plain and simple. I lived in the Washington DC area for some time and I had some pretty good Maryland crab cakes down there. The crab cakes at the Black Cow in Hamilton are tasty. However, the crab cakes at the Pacific Café in San Francisco are the best I’ve had in my entire life.

One decent appetizer at SOMA is the Caesar Salad. It’s probably good since it’s not too difficult to make.

#3 – Chile Con Queso – Acapulcos Mexican Restaurant

• Rich, spicy Mexican cheese dip in a bowl with tortilla chips

Imagine Velveeta with Tabasco Sauce. After living in California for so long, I’ve become a Mexican food snob. I can’t help it though. There is absolutely no decent Mexican food in the Northeast. I challenge anyone to steer me towards some. Please.

One decent appetizer there is the Camarones De Ajo – Shrimp sautéed with fresh mushrooms in butter, garlic and spices. Not great, but not that bad.

#2 – Sopa Cielito Lindo – Cielito Lindo Grill

• Black bean and corn soup garnished with onions and fresh cheese

Absolute shit. It seemed like it was made with canned black beans that were rinsed and then mixed with a broth made made of 100% hot tap water. I know how to make a black bean soup. Even though mine is the best in the world, it’s pretty easy to make. It isn’t magic.

One decent appetizer: TACOS! How hard are they to screw up? This restaurant also links their online menus to PDFs. Christ.

#1 – Grilled Portuguese Octopus – SOMA (yes, SOMA again)

• Served atop chick peas, baby tomatoes, roasted fennel, preserved lemon and mint. Tahini and homemade yogurt drizzle.

Seriously, I think that description should speak for itself. If aliens and terrorists teamed up and sent us an appetizer that would bring our nation to it’s knees, it might look something like this. They also spelled fennel and drizzle wrong on their online menu. See it here. But they did spell fennel correctly on another appetizer description. See. Inconsistent.

I seriously have to stop typing. I’m still using this French keyboard and it’s driving me batshit.

Les Yankees sucent! (Yankees suck!)

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By J.Ho, December 3, 2007 2:11 pm

Just for good measure, I’m writing this post and linking all my previous posts regarding the Blue Smoke Bistro in Hamilton, Massachusetts. Some quick internet indexing posts need to be made since they changed their name to Indigo Bar & Grill. Or is it Indigo Bar and Grill. I need to write the name using both “&” and “and” in the title. I want to be sure any web searches for either name will link to this site. A friend of mine at Google suggested this. When Google speaks, you might as well listen.

Original post: Blue Smoke Bistro

Updates: Update 1, Update 2, Update 3, Update 4, Update 5 and Update 6.

Yankees suck!

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By J.Ho, December 3, 2007 11:50 am

OK, hopefully this will be the last update regarding the Blue Smoke Bistro in Hamilton, MA. I called their name change a while back. Read it here. I saw the new sign is now up for Indigo Bar & Grill. The old web site for Blue Smoke Bistro is gone and they have a new site up for Indigo. See it here. Kinda weird that I’ve been to place in San Diego with a similar name. Indigo Grill in San Diego’s Little Italy. It’s actually a great place for MezCal food which is tough to stand out against the competition in San Diego.

Now, a few things caught my attention. The new site for Indigo Bar & Grill is pretty decent. It’s fast, clean and too the point. They posted their menus online and I give them points for posting their menus in HTML instead of linking to a PDF document. Nothing irritates me more than linking to PDFs. For some reason many restaurants love to post their menus in PDF. Cala’s Restaurant posts it’s menus in PDF. So, obviously these restaurants don’t have a contiguous marketing/web strategy despite being under the same ownership. It’s not like they really need that sort of strategy, but it shows a lack of focus. The Indigo Grill’s website in San Diego links their menus with PDFs. Damn it all!

Next, in the upper left it says, “Website Coming Soon.” Ok. What the hell am I look at then if the web site is coming soon? It looks like the web site is there. And it’s actually done well. What are they going to add? Please, it’s the one thing you’ve done right. Dont plan on screwing it up in the future. The web site is fine. Slick, non-complex graphic. Linked menus and the address. What more do you need? It’s not like the place is even close to being busy enough to take online orders or reservations. Maybe they’ll add some cool, colorful fly over graphics. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Here’s what’s funniest. It quickly explains their recent name change. So they changed the name. But they claim nothing else is changing. Now that’s a shame. “Same location, same ownership and same great food,” they say. That’s all great except for the food part.

Yankees suck!

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By J.Ho, November 6, 2007 6:35 pm

Wow, can you believe there’s even more on Blue Smoke? After being threatened with legal action over it’s name as mentioned in Update 3 (read it again here) the Hamilton Blue Smoke will be changing it’s name to Indigo or something.

The analysts at PleasureCooker.com are not forecasting any substantial changes to the Blue Smoke\Indigo menu, decor or service level though. Overpriced mediocre food washed down with overpriced mediocre beer will probably continue. Perfect!

On a side note, I hear the owners of Blue Smoke acquired the space where G2 Gavens (aka G2 Bar & Grill) used to be in Beverly Farms. I really, really miss G2. It was seriously my favorite place. There are plenty of reasons why this was my favorite place other than the food, but I’m not even about to get into that right now. G2 Gavens was a high-end steak place in Beverly Farms. GREAT FOOD!! GREAT SERVICE!! However, Beverly Farms isn’t quite the place to have a high-end anything restaurant. Yes, Cygnet is a great place which appears to be successful, but the rich folks in Beverly Farms prefer to go into Boston or somewhere else other than down the street to spend top dollar on dinner. That was G2′s problem. Undoubtedly great food, but the place was empty.

After a while G2 Gavens changed it’s name to G2 Bar & Grill, down shifted the menu and added a jukebox. Friggin genius! The food was still incredible and it was amazingly affordable. You could still get a couple of the top-dollar steaks Gavens used to serve if you wanted. The place all of a sudden was packed. People came out to eat and drink in a more relaxed atmosphere, watch a game and mingle. The Gordon College kids packed the place on Thursdays. The problem was Gavens was chasing good money after bad. They lost their ass so bad when it was a high-end place it made catching up difficult. Alas, the place closed in May. Or at least I think it was May. I miss it, BIG TIME! Hell, just thinking of it is making me want to go to the other Gavens on Route 114 in Middleton. Maybe on Sunday.

Anyway, I hear the Blue Smoke\Calas\Alchemy people grabbed the space where G2 Gavens used to be and plan to open a high-end Italian restaurant. God damn! Learn something. High-end food in Beverly Farms is probably not going to work. Maybe, but I seriously doubt it. High-end Italian is one of the stupidest ideas ever anyway. Italian doesn’t have to be high-end unless you’re shooting for snobby clientele. Leave that to the other places on Hamilton and Gloucester.

I also heard mumblings about them opening a bar & grill type place instead of high-end Italian. Who knows. A bar & grill in that area will work. You know, good food, drinks, pretty waitresses, darts, lottery machine, jukebox, pool tables, big TVs. Wait, the space where G2 was at is SUPER small. No room for pool tables. Well, there is, if that’s all you want to have in there. Good luck with that. If they do open a bar & grill there, here’s a tip: keep charging $5 for a pint of PBR. Bar & grill types LOVE that. No, seriously.

Yankees suck!

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By J.Ho, October 21, 2007 6:22 pm

Writing about Blue Smoke is becoming a full time job. And I’ve only been there once. The Boston Globe recently covered the Blue Smoke Bistro. Read their review here.

This review was spot on. I remember when I ate there it took me at least 20 minutes to read through the menu. A wise man once said any restaurant which has a huge menu with tons of exotic ingredients and pairings, and bunch stuff you’ve never heard of is probably going to suck! The Globe points out that Blue Smoke’s BBQ and house smoked meats, which are supposed to be their flagship dishes, suck, in general.

The end of the review hints that Blue Smoke needs to live up to it’s menu. I say, dumb the menu down a little bit and put some time and thought into preparing real food that real people will pay real money for over and over again. And stop raping everyone on PBR. Simplicity is one of the virtues of a good theory. Like, Yankees suck!

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By J.Ho, October 19, 2007 11:14 am

It never ends. There are a ton of people I’ve been running into who have also had bad experiences at the Blue Smoke Bistro. No one I know seems to like this place. Many people think the food sucks. My dinner there was OK. Nothing great. Not horrible either, just a bit overpriced and a little fake.

I stand corrected. Blue Smoke doesn’t pay $50-60 for a keg of PBR. They only pay $30 per keg. I heard this from an incredibly reliable Blue Smoke/Alchemy insider. Selling PBR for $5 a pint. WOW. Keep up the good work! I don’t want to sound as if this is all I think about, but I heard the news this weekend and had to share. Cheers. Yankees suck.

Oh, by the way, I also heard that a place in NYC, also named Blue Smoke, is threatening legal action over the naming of Blue Smoke Bistro. With my limited legal knowledge, I’m guessing the NYC Blue Smoke doesn’t have a solid cause of action against the Hamilton Blue Smoke. Seems silly. Rich people like to sue each other though. PBR will probably go up to $8 a pint to cover the legal expenses. The NYC Blue Smoke is on the same block as one of my absolute favorite Italian restaurants in Manhattan, i Trulli. Yankees still suck!

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By J.Ho, October 15, 2007 9:31 pm

Again, I still haven’t been back there, but I did receive an e-mail out of the blue from someone who just started food blogging in my area. Glad to know there’s one more of us.

Resto-Rant is a new food blog with only one post so far. Would you believe it’s a review of the Blue Smoke Bistro? It appears she had an even worse experience than I did. To the restaurant’s credit, I did have pretty good service unlike my fellow reviewer. It seems we had everything else was in sync though.

Welcome Resto-Rant! I hope you find better places to review. I have a tons of great local restaurant experiences to write about when I have the time. I’ll catch up one day. No, seriously. I will. Yankees suck!