Last night Rachael Ray was texting me all upset still over Martha Stewart slamming her in a Nightline interview a week or so ago. I exported the text from my iPhone using a non-Apple approved app. Check it …
RaRay: hi JamieCakes!!!
J.Ho: hi SugarBum, wasup?
RaRay: I can’t believe this shit!!!
RaRay: Did you see what that tw@ Martha Stewart said about me on Nightline?
J.Ho: Like I watch Nightline!?!?!
RaRay: Yeah, anyway, she went off on me saying how I admitted to her once that I don’t know how to bake. Is that news to anyone? Haaaarow?!?!?
J.Ho: LOL!! I know only a few things as fact. It will get dark tonight. Monday comes after Sunday. and you can’t bake! I’m not much or a baker either. Who actually bakes anyways?
RaRay: That’s not all … she said my new cookbook is just a compilation of old, re-editied recipes.
J.Ho: Get the fuck outta here
J.Ho: Ummm, aren’t all recipes pretty much re-edits of older recipes?
RaRay: TOTALLY!!! There hasn’t been an original cookbook published since like the 20s
J.Ho: The Giada De Laurentiis cookbook “Everyday Italian” was pretty original
RaRay: FUCK YOU!
RaRay: I’m all wound up and you’re makin fuckin jokes
J.Ho: Sorry, you still love me though
RaRay: Anyway, then she goes on saying how she writes books that are lasting, unique things that everyone would want in their library. BULLSHIT!
J.Ho: I was just at Costco and saw a book of hers on the discount table titled, “Martha Stewart’s Homekeeping Handbook: The Essential Guide to Caring for Everything in Your Home” … yeah, everything but your husband and daughter!!!
RaRay: Yeah, total family woman. Her ex-husband hopes she starts bleeding out of her eyes and her daughter wouldn’t have anything to do with her until she bought her a nice little private jet
RaRay: And she says I’m just an entertainer, not a “teacher” like her. Ummm, and her point is?
J.Ho: Where has she been?
RaRay: LOCK UP!!! THAT’S WHERE!!!
J.Ho: LOL, what makes her think you’re an entertainer? Was it your 52 TV shows? Or your Daytime Emmys?
RaRay: God I swear every time that old goat opens her mouth a cloud of dust puffs out.
J.Ho: Don’t worry about it. She’s just jealous. Total jelly! She needs some peanut butter cause she’s so jelly!
J.Ho: Look, she has no personal life, her own family hates her, she’s been in lock down, her company’s valuation is in the toilet and she has no idea how to relate to the public. She made a career on telling women how to be wonderful little homemakers. That shit doesn’t fly nowadays.
RaRay: No shit!
J.Ho: And if she’s gonna try to get noticed again, the only thing she can do is to talk shit and compare herself to the ruler of the universe, which is you, BubbleButt! It won’t work.
RaRay: You’re totally right. I just responded by saying, “Yeah, you cook better than me, Martha. C-ya!”
RaRay: What are you doing tonight?
RaRay: Where are you playing?
J.Ho: Lucky Dog, probably
RaRay: Sweet, I gotta run. I have nine more books I have to finish writing by tomorrow afternoon. Copy/Paste, Copy/Paste!!!! Oh, I saw Taylor Swift the other day. She couldn’t stop raving about the mix CD you made for her.
J.Ho: I put a lot of thought into that CD. Especially the order of the playlist.
RaRay: Does she know about us?
RaRay: Sweet! … bye!
RaRay: Hug hug, kiss kiss, hug hug, big kiss, little hug, kiss kiss, little kiss
J.Ho: Ok, Nacho!
RaRay: Yankees suck!
J.Ho: God, I love you!