Hey, another bright, colorful, fun, cooking show on the Food Network with a pretty hostess that knows nothing about food! What could go wrong? Is it me or is the Food Network really beginning to suck? I understand as well as anyone the value of being an entertainer more than a chef on these shows, but this is getting a bit ridiculous.

I wrote about Ingrid Hoffman and her proposed new show Simply Delicioso a while back when I heard about it’s introduction. Read it again here. Now I hadn’t seen her before and the show was several months away from its broadcast debut. As usual I was taken back by her good looks, slammin’ Latina figure and blonde highlights. Foiled again! The Food Network threw in some eye candy to hide the fact there is nothing else about show worth watching.

I asked my beloved TiVo to record every episode. TiVo asked me if I was sure since I already scheduled him to record other shows that overlapped this show. I told him I was positive and he was like, “Aaaallllriiiiight, don’t come bitching at me when this show sucks.”

TiVo had it right. This show sucks. This show is beat. I mean like wicked beat! I wasn’t even sold on her prettiness for very long. Which is odd. Believe me.

My first problem was with the production set. Lots of colors. Trying to look too Latin. Or what they think the American audience believes should be Latin-looking. I mean, look at the pic on the left. Green limes, yellow lemons, red pot or something, orange bowl, fuschia shirt, olive green walls. Well, I like the shirt. Two giant thumbs up! The place looks like the house in the movie “Fools Rush In” after Salma Hayek was done decorating it. It also looks a lot like every scene in “Ugly Betty,” which Salma guest starred in and also produces by the way. I actually like that show. It’s all latin-like and colorful, especially Betty’s house, but it’s done in a style that’s meant to be comical. It’s all joke-like. The problem with Simply Delicioso is they are actually trying to be seriously real. Seriously beat!

I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been a cynical prick lately. Maybe it’s because I’ve been living in Massachusetts too long. Being on the north shore doesn’t help either. It seems everyone up here is angry for one reason or another. Anyway, not only is the set trying to look too Latin, she’s trying to act too Latin. She was “not Hispanic enough” when she auditioned for Latin soap opera television roles in the US similar to the ones in which she starred in her home country of Columbia. I guess her experiences are not without a sense of irony. I can read people like you have no idea. I can tell she’s is being fake and over-acting. Is this a show about Latin food and culture or Miami food and culture? There are differences. Big ones.

This show is fake and rarely features anything I would actually want to cook. The Food Network goons are trying to blend Charo with Barefoot Contessa. I’ve been attracted to Charo since I could walk. Ina Garten, not so much. The recipes seem to focus on how join ingredients in an unconventional (silly) manner, like mango-peanut dressing. Come on.

Yeah, I get it, the Food Network is basically trying to put on shows that are more about entertainment than food or real living. It is what it is, as they say in Havana. Or more like watching Nancy Grace and expecting to learn something about law. Sure Nancy is a licensed attorney, but she’s a freakin’ goof.

Get this, on the show’s main page (see it here), they give out Ingrid’s “Ingrid’s Sizzling Tips.” Seriously. Tips. What could these nuggets of knowledge be? Tips on using guava chips and pepper jelly. Woo-hoo! Just what the culinary world needed. Next was something that really caught my eye:

• Sit, Then Slice
  Whenever you cook any piece of meat, let it rest a bit before you cut it. If you slice into it straight off the grill, all the yummy juices will run out instead of staying where they belong – in the meat! For a thin cut, like skirt steak, a few minutes is fine. For a big chuck roast or tri-tip, 20 minutes under a little foil tent will do the trick.

Wow, did you come up with this one all by yourself, mija? These people really think we are all a bunch of tards. What’s good to watch these days?

Now don’t get me wrong, this show sucks, but Ingrid is one absolutely gorgeous little mamacita. Seriously. She’s wicked mint! Beautiful face, killer smile, insane body and great, great hair. Hair is a big deal with me. I love her accent. Women with accents drive me wild. Especially Latin accents. The only problem is my affinity for the accent is usually what’s first to go when I start to hate a woman. So, its appeal will eventually wear off.

Simply Delicioso? Simply Estupido! Yankees suck!